Before I go into much, I wanted to post how very proud I am of the recent accomplishments of Jacob and Erin. I am not sure if I ever posted how well Jacob did on his ACT, SAT, and PSAT exams. He did extremely well on all 3. So well, that we have been bombarded with college information; more then we have ever seen before. He is officially a semi-finalist for the National Merit Scholar. We anticipate that he will be a Finalist but we will not find that out until the spring. On Saturday, he was officially accepted into Case Western University with a $30000/year scholarship. It is quite an accomplishment. Unfortunately, the school costs 58,000 to attend! So, unless God works out some more scholarships, Jake won't be heading to Case Western. He will find out if he was accepted into the University of Chicago this week. That is where is heart truly is. But.... he will have another financial obstacle to overcome with that school as well. We are very, very proud of him. My prayer for him is that he will go tot he school that God desires him to be at and where he will grow spiritually as well. That does not mean that I am wanting him to go to a Christian school. Sam is a a very secular school and has grown more then I could ever have hoped. As for Erin's accomplishments....Wow... she is ready to graduate in 1 week! Depending on how well she does on exams and papers, she may end up graduating with some form of Cum Laude. That is amazing! Not only has she accomplished amazing things in school, she has surpassed anything we could ever have hoped for with soccer since. Well... at least anything we ever hoped for since her major surgeries. This year, she was selected to 2nd team all conference and selected as the Sportswoman of the Year. She served as captain for the second year in a row. Her team qualified for Nationals (for the 4th year in a row!). Then, at Nationals, she was selected to the All-REgional team and the National team for the tournament! I am so proud of my girl. On top of that, she was invited to try out for a pro team and asked to consider being an assistant coach for the college next year! That's my girl. :) Sam should not be forgotten in the list of accomplishments as well. AT Toledo, he is suppose to have 3 semesters of Internship/Co-op's in order to graduate. It typically begins no earlier summer semester of sophomore year or Fall semester of Junior year. Well.. my boy got an internship that begins January 6th! He will be a "big-boy" now...working for a company called Materion. It will be a regular engineering position. I am so proud of him! Let's not forget Emily and Caleb. We are very, very proud of the 2 of them as well. Caleb graduates in May. He is serving as an intern to a church as well as finishing his senior year, working part-time to help support his new family (Emily), and working as an intern. What a great husband he is to our daughter! Emily is serving as a full-time nanny, working part time as a secretary for the church they are attending, and preparing homemade meals and loving her husband. She loves being married. They have a wonderful marriage and are completely...solely... dependent on one another (and God of course!). They are able to support themselves AND put away lots of money into their savings account. What a blessing it is to watch them grow as a young married couple. I miss my girl, but I know that being in Chicago has been the best thing for the 2 of them to really get a great start on a beautiful marriage. As for the little ones... who aren't so little anymore.. they are fantastic as well. Mark and I are truly blessed parents. I could go on much longer, but my purpose right now is to begin a journal of my T25 experience. I have really been struggling with motivation to workout. As a result, my muscles and body have changed in ways I do not care to go into detail. Let's just say that I look much softer and fuller then I did at Emily's wedding. It is amazing what sedation can do to a body. Add a LOT of junk food to it and wow..... in just 6 months... I have gone down the drain. :( I tried to get motivated for insanity again, but lost interest 1/2 way through the first tape. I was just sick of it and too out of shape to think about completing any of it. I tried to run, but it hurt and I hate running. In the past 2 months, I have noticed a long dent in the side of my thigh/hip (fatty area) that is bugging me to death. It is just on one leg and every time i look down, I get disgusted. You would think that was enough to get me motivated, but NO! I would rather just complain and worry about a silly dent in my leg. I just kept on eating junk and doing very little about it. I had Mark move the elliptical upstairs for me to workout on. I did... about every 3rd day or so. Then we joined the Y because Jacob wanted to work out. I watched him work out every morning at 5:30. I watched Mark begin running again and work up to 4 miles a day... and I complained about my lack of working out. I have made it to the Y about twice a week. I feel good when I am done, but still haven't put a lot of effort into it. It just seems like an overwhelming task. My body is getting old. It isn't as easy as it use to be. Sedation is so much more comfortable. So, thanks to some infomercial, I got stuck on lusting after T25. I fixated on it (it doesn't take much for me to fixated on something though). I kept telling Mark that I wanted it though everytime he told me to get it, I didn't. Finally, I purchased it yesterday off Craigslist (a sketchy transaction I might add). And last night I did my first workout. This morning, I have already been up and loving it. I figured that it would be kind of cool to post how things have gone. So. here is goes. I made it through the first 25 minutes with little problem. I needed to modify a few of the exercises (it is set up so that you are able to modify). By no means do I look as good as these people doing it, but I at least was able to do it and did not feel overwhelmed. I was happily surprised at how quick it went). When I hit the 15 minute mark (10 minutes into the workout) I was tired, but saw I only had 15 minutes to go, so I wasn't defeated. AT 10 minutes I was excited because I still felt somewhat strong and knew I could do 10 more minutes. 5 mintues... ecstatic. I was a little sore this morning, so this workout did not go as easy as last night.... but it still was great. My goal is to eat great while I am doing this. I would really like to see what my body does if I do both really well. I will take pictures tonight so that I have some before and then if I actually do it all the way through, I will take pictures of after. I will also my measurements and weight to keep track of all that. I am really interested if this kind of workout can truly change a 50 year old body.

Before I let time pass me by again, I need to sit down and write a little bit. We had a great weekend. We spent it at the "blood hotel". I know it is a funny way to describe a hotel, but it is a very endearing and wonderful place that my kids absolutely love. Elizabeth deemed it the "blood hotel" 2 years ago when we made our first trip to it. Every year, FAMOHIO has a conference for families whom have been effected by a bleeding disorder. It is a fun filled weekend where families can connect with other families. Mostly, though, it is a wonderful weekend that we have together. For $60.00, we get 2 nights in a hotel, get fed great meals, get to walk a mile and earn a t-shirt (though the kids got beach towels this year), the kids get 6 hours of playtime with all kinds of fun activities with other kids their age. We get to go to education classes about bleeding if we want or we get some much needed time together. This year, the Saturday evening festivities were 3 hours of unlimited fun at Magic Mountain. The kids loved it. I got a phone call Saturday about the secretarial position. I was convinced that I wasn't the right one for the job and was convinced that the principal must agree. I was sad because I really wanted to work for him and to be in the schools. I had finally came to that conclusion. And though I was sad, Mark was relieved. And so I felt at peace about not getting the job, though very sad for some reason. I hadn't even wanted the job before. I as just doing it for Mark. But then, once I finally came to grips about not getting the job, I got an email at the hotel asking me to call his cell phone. My response was "uh-oh". I didn't know if the uh-oh meant I was sad that he might be telling me he didn't want me or "uh-oh" because I was terrified that he might want me and I had to face a decision. It was much easier when he made the decision for me... when I thought I didn't get it. Well, I called. And.... he wanted to hire me. So.. for the next 3 hours I was tortured with thoughts. In the end, with the support of Mark, I accepted the position. Erin has watched Elizabeth and Ri yesterday and today. The went to Mamaw's tonight with Erin to spend the night. Sam will be home Thursday and Friday and all next week. So I really only have to worry about a sitter for 2 days. I am very overwhelmed because I began the job not having a clue about excel, only to find out that all the rosters and most of the info is in that program! I also was totally overwhelmed at not knowing ANYTHING about enrollment or supplies or even answering a phone! But, slowly, I am figuring it out. I have conquered some of the basics of excel. I think I am going to enjoy the challenges ahead of me. I just do NOT want it to effect my family.

I had my interview yesterday. I had so much fun. I think it was fun simply because I wasn't uptight about it. I really had nothing to lose, so I could just be myself. I am very excited about the new principal. I love his ideas, his way of thinking and his love for the kids. I could easily see myself loving every moment of work if I were to be hired. The problem is, it isn't very good pay and I don't know how I will handle working a full time job. If the pay was more and I knew how I would be, then it would be a no brainer. It is funny; going into the interview, I was more concerned about whether I would like the job and I was fine with pay and adjusting my life. Coming out of it, I want the job and am somewhat disappointed that I am hesitating so much. I am truly a twisted woman! Mark couldn't be more supportive. Again, my twistedness comes into play. Before the interview, he was seemingly supportive of me taking the job. He didn't say I needed it, but I felt as if he wanted me to. I was torn because I felt this is what he wanted me to do. I applied with that in mind. But the reservations were in me, not him. Now, he is still 100% supportive but if push came to shove and he had to tell me what to do, he said "the job is perfect, but the timing may not be".... and I am on the other side. I think that if it really comes down to it and I am perfectly honest.... I just am horrible about making decisions and ultimately, if I make him make the decision, I am not accountable for anything that happens. If he says "take the job", then if things get rough, I can fall back on him and say he encouraged me. If I don't take the job and I have regrets, I can blame him. Sick? Yep.. I know it is. Actually, it is just plain pitiful! I think for the first time in my life, I see my twisted thinking. I think that is why I can't make decisions easily. I don't want to be the one accountable for that decision. I would rather Mark (or anyone else) make decisions for me so that I don't have guilt with the outcome of it. So... now that I have come to that realization, I am faced with the fact that I need to make the decision myself. I have a very, very supportive husband. One who loves me unconditionally and is supportive beyond what I have ever wanted him to be. I am so blessed. I haven't been offered the job and this decision may be one I will never have to make. In fact, it makes sense not to hire me if you were to evaluate my secretarial skills. But it is very possible that I would be offered the position..... today. So I have to have an answer if I get the call. Secretly, I hope I do not get a call.... that way I do not have to make a decision myself! I can once again fall back on an excuse rather then take credit for my own decision. I do not have to have this job. It would certainly help in some ways, but the pay isn't all that great. Actually, it isn't good at all. I would love working at the school with my kids. I think I would love working with this principal. I am very excited about the changes I see happening at the school. But if I work full time, things around here will be much different. When I am overwhelmed with cleaning, laundry, cooking... I can't just take a day and catch up. I would have to do it in the evenings which will either take away from the kids or take away from my sleep. Doctor appointments (which we seem to always have) will need to be made after work, college visits won't be made easily (though I have a son and husband who wouldn't see a problem with never visiting), I know I will hesitate and evaluate much too closely whether the kids are "really sick enough to stay home". Homeschooling would be out of the question (again... I would not have had to face making that decision; I could blame me working rather then me not wanting to or failing). Which leads me to whether or not we should homeschool. I think deep down I do not want to but I feel very guilty about it. Actually, I want to very much, but I am afraid I would fail again. Fear is the thing that holds me back. Part of me thinks I would do a good job this time, but the deepest part of me knows I am a failure at it and knows my character. I might fall back more on tv and computer time and clean or work on the computer myself. I want to "train them in the way they should go" and give them a sure biblical foundation, but reality is that my walk; my own bible reading is pitiful. If I can't get my own reading and studying under control, how will I ever be disciplined enough to teach them? Well, these are the twisted things going on inside of me. If I take the job, I feel like I have failed my family. My heart says take the job but the guilty side of me says I am letting them down. If I don't take the job, then I feel like I am failing because I am incapable of managing life. Oh how very twisted I am. I live with guilt. I seem to punish myself over and over. I wonder how I will ever overcome that. I guess only by the grace of God.

Well, tomorrow is a big day for me. It will mark my first interview in over 23 years! Wow. that is kind of mind boggling. Funny thing is, I don't know if I want the job or not. I am so torn right now it is crazy. I don't know if I want to homeschool or not, sub or not, be a secretary or not. Too many decisions right now. Today was a fairly productive day, though not near as much as it could have been. I began really tearing up the basement and discovered lots of mold. That is scary for me. All kinds of thoughts and fears creep in when I think of it for too long.... from silly, stupid fears that are worthless to consider or fear about (like spiders and bugs) to major health issues from black mold. The mind really can take control sometimes. I haven't heard from Sam in so long that we decided he has written us off. He is enjoying SKyview so much that he rarely calls or talks.... or come home. Erin and Jacob A. are trying to start things over again. I am happy about that. I think they are good for each other.... but ultimately, it doesn't matter what I think. It only matters what God's plan is for both of them. Tomorrow opens up the common app for colleges. I can't convince Jacob that he needs to begin applying. I wish that I could, but he and I don't see eye to eye often. Emily is feeling better today. I am glad for that. I think Caleb is doing well, though I don't talk to him that often. I need to change that. Life is good. I can hardly believe that Mark and I are about to celebrate 23 years of marriage! Crazy! I am truly blessed.

Trying to post a few pictures from earlier this year. When Erin came home from Africa, she brought gifts for everyone. It was such a precious thought. Everyone loved their gift. She put so much thought behind each one. It was fun to watch everyone opening them up. She has an amazing experience in Africa. SHe came back a much more confident and selfless person. Today we spent the day running around. I really don't enjoy those kind of days. Emily called and share with me that she has the stomach flu... or at least she thinks so. I feel badly for her. She walked half way to work before her boss called her to tell her she didn't have to come in. She is still feeling miserable and it is 9:00pm their time. Caleb is taking good care of her though. Elizabeth saw the hearing doctor today. Her ears look great. It is the first visit in awhile in which they didn't have to do anything. We made a trip to Galion to pick up a collar for Shu for our invisible fence, only to get it home and discover that the old collar works just fine. :( Jacob had his first official soccer practice, though they have been practicing pretty much all summer. He was disappointed because he has worked his tail off during the off season and wasn't able to get the varsity time for the mile. That destroyed him.

Just a few more wedding pictures to highlight. Today I received a phone call from the new principal at Elizabeth and Ri's school. I had applied for the secretary position. He set up an interview for Thursday. Honestly, I am a bit terrified. It isn't that I am terrified of interviewing or even working, but I am terrified as to whether this is what we should be considering or not. At least with subbing, I have the option to not work when I need to be home. Fulltime is just that.... fulltime. And I am not the type that gives it my "half". I am terrified what things will be like if I actually work full time. I know many women do it and do it well... but I am not one that does anything all that well. If I did, we would probably be homeschooling the kids.

I make no promises, but my desire is to update. Life has calmed down and I don't feel in turmoil anymore. What use to be my therapeutic way of dealing with life, became something I couldn't possibly do anymore. I used to blog to share my heart, but my heart was dealing with so much that I couldn't possibly share... so blogging our life was an impossible task for me. I want to update because I want to keep a record of our life; mainly for my kids to look back on. So, I will attempt... again. I won't go through the past, though I wish I could. But I will share with you that Emily is very, very happily married. The wedding was amazing; perfect in every way. She was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. She was glowing and full of joy despite waking me up at 4:30 announcing that she thought she had the stomach flu. She was miserable, yet no one would have ever known. She was truly the happiest bride that I have ever watched. Jacob is in the midst of searching for colleges. He has done outstanding on his ACT and SAT tests and has many doors possible. Sam and Erin are both at SKyview this summer. Sam is a counselor and Erin is a program director. Sam gets a chance to be a PD this week. He is very excited. Elizabeth and Ri are growing like crazy. We are in the middle of trying to figure out whether to homeschool them or send them to school. Today I begin serious training for a 5K mudder. I need to be accountable to someone. So.. I think I will tryto post here how I am doing. Today, I have not yet had coffee. I am ready to attempt some insanity.