Turning the page to 2013

I had my interview yesterday. I had so much fun. I think it was fun simply because I wasn't uptight about it. I really had nothing to lose, so I could just be myself. I am very excited about the new principal. I love his ideas, his way of thinking and his love for the kids. I could easily see myself loving every moment of work if I were to be hired. The problem is, it isn't very good pay and I don't know how I will handle working a full time job. If the pay was more and I knew how I would be, then it would be a no brainer. It is funny; going into the interview, I was more concerned about whether I would like the job and I was fine with pay and adjusting my life. Coming out of it, I want the job and am somewhat disappointed that I am hesitating so much. I am truly a twisted woman! Mark couldn't be more supportive. Again, my twistedness comes into play. Before the interview, he was seemingly supportive of me taking the job. He didn't say I needed it, but I felt as if he wanted me to. I was torn because I felt this is what he wanted me to do. I applied with that in mind. But the reservations were in me, not him. Now, he is still 100% supportive but if push came to shove and he had to tell me what to do, he said "the job is perfect, but the timing may not be".... and I am on the other side. I think that if it really comes down to it and I am perfectly honest.... I just am horrible about making decisions and ultimately, if I make him make the decision, I am not accountable for anything that happens. If he says "take the job", then if things get rough, I can fall back on him and say he encouraged me. If I don't take the job and I have regrets, I can blame him. Sick? Yep.. I know it is. Actually, it is just plain pitiful! I think for the first time in my life, I see my twisted thinking. I think that is why I can't make decisions easily. I don't want to be the one accountable for that decision. I would rather Mark (or anyone else) make decisions for me so that I don't have guilt with the outcome of it. So... now that I have come to that realization, I am faced with the fact that I need to make the decision myself. I have a very, very supportive husband. One who loves me unconditionally and is supportive beyond what I have ever wanted him to be. I am so blessed. I haven't been offered the job and this decision may be one I will never have to make. In fact, it makes sense not to hire me if you were to evaluate my secretarial skills. But it is very possible that I would be offered the position..... today. So I have to have an answer if I get the call. Secretly, I hope I do not get a call.... that way I do not have to make a decision myself! I can once again fall back on an excuse rather then take credit for my own decision. I do not have to have this job. It would certainly help in some ways, but the pay isn't all that great. Actually, it isn't good at all. I would love working at the school with my kids. I think I would love working with this principal. I am very excited about the changes I see happening at the school. But if I work full time, things around here will be much different. When I am overwhelmed with cleaning, laundry, cooking... I can't just take a day and catch up. I would have to do it in the evenings which will either take away from the kids or take away from my sleep. Doctor appointments (which we seem to always have) will need to be made after work, college visits won't be made easily (though I have a son and husband who wouldn't see a problem with never visiting), I know I will hesitate and evaluate much too closely whether the kids are "really sick enough to stay home". Homeschooling would be out of the question (again... I would not have had to face making that decision; I could blame me working rather then me not wanting to or failing). Which leads me to whether or not we should homeschool. I think deep down I do not want to but I feel very guilty about it. Actually, I want to very much, but I am afraid I would fail again. Fear is the thing that holds me back. Part of me thinks I would do a good job this time, but the deepest part of me knows I am a failure at it and knows my character. I might fall back more on tv and computer time and clean or work on the computer myself. I want to "train them in the way they should go" and give them a sure biblical foundation, but reality is that my walk; my own bible reading is pitiful. If I can't get my own reading and studying under control, how will I ever be disciplined enough to teach them? Well, these are the twisted things going on inside of me. If I take the job, I feel like I have failed my family. My heart says take the job but the guilty side of me says I am letting them down. If I don't take the job, then I feel like I am failing because I am incapable of managing life. Oh how very twisted I am. I live with guilt. I seem to punish myself over and over. I wonder how I will ever overcome that. I guess only by the grace of God.