Before I go into much, I wanted to post how very proud I am of the recent accomplishments of Jacob and Erin. I am not sure if I ever posted how well Jacob did on his ACT, SAT, and PSAT exams. He did extremely well on all 3. So well, that we have been bombarded with college information; more then we have ever seen before. He is officially a semi-finalist for the National Merit Scholar. We anticipate that he will be a Finalist but we will not find that out until the spring. On Saturday, he was officially accepted into Case Western University with a $30000/year scholarship. It is quite an accomplishment. Unfortunately, the school costs 58,000 to attend! So, unless God works out some more scholarships, Jake won't be heading to Case Western. He will find out if he was accepted into the University of Chicago this week. That is where is heart truly is. But.... he will have another financial obstacle to overcome with that school as well. We are very, very proud of him. My prayer for him is that he will go tot he school that God desires him to be at and where he will grow spiritually as well. That does not mean that I am wanting him to go to a Christian school. Sam is a a very secular school and has grown more then I could ever have hoped. As for Erin's accomplishments....Wow... she is ready to graduate in 1 week! Depending on how well she does on exams and papers, she may end up graduating with some form of Cum Laude. That is amazing! Not only has she accomplished amazing things in school, she has surpassed anything we could ever have hoped for with soccer since. Well... at least anything we ever hoped for since her major surgeries. This year, she was selected to 2nd team all conference and selected as the Sportswoman of the Year. She served as captain for the second year in a row. Her team qualified for Nationals (for the 4th year in a row!). Then, at Nationals, she was selected to the All-REgional team and the National team for the tournament! I am so proud of my girl. On top of that, she was invited to try out for a pro team and asked to consider being an assistant coach for the college next year! That's my girl. :) Sam should not be forgotten in the list of accomplishments as well. AT Toledo, he is suppose to have 3 semesters of Internship/Co-op's in order to graduate. It typically begins no earlier summer semester of sophomore year or Fall semester of Junior year. Well.. my boy got an internship that begins January 6th! He will be a "big-boy" now...working for a company called Materion. It will be a regular engineering position. I am so proud of him! Let's not forget Emily and Caleb. We are very, very proud of the 2 of them as well. Caleb graduates in May. He is serving as an intern to a church as well as finishing his senior year, working part-time to help support his new family (Emily), and working as an intern. What a great husband he is to our daughter! Emily is serving as a full-time nanny, working part time as a secretary for the church they are attending, and preparing homemade meals and loving her husband. She loves being married. They have a wonderful marriage and are completely...solely... dependent on one another (and God of course!). They are able to support themselves AND put away lots of money into their savings account. What a blessing it is to watch them grow as a young married couple. I miss my girl, but I know that being in Chicago has been the best thing for the 2 of them to really get a great start on a beautiful marriage. As for the little ones... who aren't so little anymore.. they are fantastic as well. Mark and I are truly blessed parents. I could go on much longer, but my purpose right now is to begin a journal of my T25 experience. I have really been struggling with motivation to workout. As a result, my muscles and body have changed in ways I do not care to go into detail. Let's just say that I look much softer and fuller then I did at Emily's wedding. It is amazing what sedation can do to a body. Add a LOT of junk food to it and wow..... in just 6 months... I have gone down the drain. :( I tried to get motivated for insanity again, but lost interest 1/2 way through the first tape. I was just sick of it and too out of shape to think about completing any of it. I tried to run, but it hurt and I hate running. In the past 2 months, I have noticed a long dent in the side of my thigh/hip (fatty area) that is bugging me to death. It is just on one leg and every time i look down, I get disgusted. You would think that was enough to get me motivated, but NO! I would rather just complain and worry about a silly dent in my leg. I just kept on eating junk and doing very little about it. I had Mark move the elliptical upstairs for me to workout on. I did... about every 3rd day or so. Then we joined the Y because Jacob wanted to work out. I watched him work out every morning at 5:30. I watched Mark begin running again and work up to 4 miles a day... and I complained about my lack of working out. I have made it to the Y about twice a week. I feel good when I am done, but still haven't put a lot of effort into it. It just seems like an overwhelming task. My body is getting old. It isn't as easy as it use to be. Sedation is so much more comfortable. So, thanks to some infomercial, I got stuck on lusting after T25. I fixated on it (it doesn't take much for me to fixated on something though). I kept telling Mark that I wanted it though everytime he told me to get it, I didn't. Finally, I purchased it yesterday off Craigslist (a sketchy transaction I might add). And last night I did my first workout. This morning, I have already been up and loving it. I figured that it would be kind of cool to post how things have gone. So. here is goes. I made it through the first 25 minutes with little problem. I needed to modify a few of the exercises (it is set up so that you are able to modify). By no means do I look as good as these people doing it, but I at least was able to do it and did not feel overwhelmed. I was happily surprised at how quick it went). When I hit the 15 minute mark (10 minutes into the workout) I was tired, but saw I only had 15 minutes to go, so I wasn't defeated. AT 10 minutes I was excited because I still felt somewhat strong and knew I could do 10 more minutes. 5 mintues... ecstatic. I was a little sore this morning, so this workout did not go as easy as last night.... but it still was great. My goal is to eat great while I am doing this. I would really like to see what my body does if I do both really well. I will take pictures tonight so that I have some before and then if I actually do it all the way through, I will take pictures of after. I will also my measurements and weight to keep track of all that. I am really interested if this kind of workout can truly change a 50 year old body.

Before I let time pass me by again, I need to sit down and write a little bit. We had a great weekend. We spent it at the "blood hotel". I know it is a funny way to describe a hotel, but it is a very endearing and wonderful place that my kids absolutely love. Elizabeth deemed it the "blood hotel" 2 years ago when we made our first trip to it. Every year, FAMOHIO has a conference for families whom have been effected by a bleeding disorder. It is a fun filled weekend where families can connect with other families. Mostly, though, it is a wonderful weekend that we have together. For $60.00, we get 2 nights in a hotel, get fed great meals, get to walk a mile and earn a t-shirt (though the kids got beach towels this year), the kids get 6 hours of playtime with all kinds of fun activities with other kids their age. We get to go to education classes about bleeding if we want or we get some much needed time together. This year, the Saturday evening festivities were 3 hours of unlimited fun at Magic Mountain. The kids loved it. I got a phone call Saturday about the secretarial position. I was convinced that I wasn't the right one for the job and was convinced that the principal must agree. I was sad because I really wanted to work for him and to be in the schools. I had finally came to that conclusion. And though I was sad, Mark was relieved. And so I felt at peace about not getting the job, though very sad for some reason. I hadn't even wanted the job before. I as just doing it for Mark. But then, once I finally came to grips about not getting the job, I got an email at the hotel asking me to call his cell phone. My response was "uh-oh". I didn't know if the uh-oh meant I was sad that he might be telling me he didn't want me or "uh-oh" because I was terrified that he might want me and I had to face a decision. It was much easier when he made the decision for me... when I thought I didn't get it. Well, I called. And.... he wanted to hire me. So.. for the next 3 hours I was tortured with thoughts. In the end, with the support of Mark, I accepted the position. Erin has watched Elizabeth and Ri yesterday and today. The went to Mamaw's tonight with Erin to spend the night. Sam will be home Thursday and Friday and all next week. So I really only have to worry about a sitter for 2 days. I am very overwhelmed because I began the job not having a clue about excel, only to find out that all the rosters and most of the info is in that program! I also was totally overwhelmed at not knowing ANYTHING about enrollment or supplies or even answering a phone! But, slowly, I am figuring it out. I have conquered some of the basics of excel. I think I am going to enjoy the challenges ahead of me. I just do NOT want it to effect my family.

I had my interview yesterday. I had so much fun. I think it was fun simply because I wasn't uptight about it. I really had nothing to lose, so I could just be myself. I am very excited about the new principal. I love his ideas, his way of thinking and his love for the kids. I could easily see myself loving every moment of work if I were to be hired. The problem is, it isn't very good pay and I don't know how I will handle working a full time job. If the pay was more and I knew how I would be, then it would be a no brainer. It is funny; going into the interview, I was more concerned about whether I would like the job and I was fine with pay and adjusting my life. Coming out of it, I want the job and am somewhat disappointed that I am hesitating so much. I am truly a twisted woman! Mark couldn't be more supportive. Again, my twistedness comes into play. Before the interview, he was seemingly supportive of me taking the job. He didn't say I needed it, but I felt as if he wanted me to. I was torn because I felt this is what he wanted me to do. I applied with that in mind. But the reservations were in me, not him. Now, he is still 100% supportive but if push came to shove and he had to tell me what to do, he said "the job is perfect, but the timing may not be".... and I am on the other side. I think that if it really comes down to it and I am perfectly honest.... I just am horrible about making decisions and ultimately, if I make him make the decision, I am not accountable for anything that happens. If he says "take the job", then if things get rough, I can fall back on him and say he encouraged me. If I don't take the job and I have regrets, I can blame him. Sick? Yep.. I know it is. Actually, it is just plain pitiful! I think for the first time in my life, I see my twisted thinking. I think that is why I can't make decisions easily. I don't want to be the one accountable for that decision. I would rather Mark (or anyone else) make decisions for me so that I don't have guilt with the outcome of it. So... now that I have come to that realization, I am faced with the fact that I need to make the decision myself. I have a very, very supportive husband. One who loves me unconditionally and is supportive beyond what I have ever wanted him to be. I am so blessed. I haven't been offered the job and this decision may be one I will never have to make. In fact, it makes sense not to hire me if you were to evaluate my secretarial skills. But it is very possible that I would be offered the position..... today. So I have to have an answer if I get the call. Secretly, I hope I do not get a call.... that way I do not have to make a decision myself! I can once again fall back on an excuse rather then take credit for my own decision. I do not have to have this job. It would certainly help in some ways, but the pay isn't all that great. Actually, it isn't good at all. I would love working at the school with my kids. I think I would love working with this principal. I am very excited about the changes I see happening at the school. But if I work full time, things around here will be much different. When I am overwhelmed with cleaning, laundry, cooking... I can't just take a day and catch up. I would have to do it in the evenings which will either take away from the kids or take away from my sleep. Doctor appointments (which we seem to always have) will need to be made after work, college visits won't be made easily (though I have a son and husband who wouldn't see a problem with never visiting), I know I will hesitate and evaluate much too closely whether the kids are "really sick enough to stay home". Homeschooling would be out of the question (again... I would not have had to face making that decision; I could blame me working rather then me not wanting to or failing). Which leads me to whether or not we should homeschool. I think deep down I do not want to but I feel very guilty about it. Actually, I want to very much, but I am afraid I would fail again. Fear is the thing that holds me back. Part of me thinks I would do a good job this time, but the deepest part of me knows I am a failure at it and knows my character. I might fall back more on tv and computer time and clean or work on the computer myself. I want to "train them in the way they should go" and give them a sure biblical foundation, but reality is that my walk; my own bible reading is pitiful. If I can't get my own reading and studying under control, how will I ever be disciplined enough to teach them? Well, these are the twisted things going on inside of me. If I take the job, I feel like I have failed my family. My heart says take the job but the guilty side of me says I am letting them down. If I don't take the job, then I feel like I am failing because I am incapable of managing life. Oh how very twisted I am. I live with guilt. I seem to punish myself over and over. I wonder how I will ever overcome that. I guess only by the grace of God.

Well, tomorrow is a big day for me. It will mark my first interview in over 23 years! Wow. that is kind of mind boggling. Funny thing is, I don't know if I want the job or not. I am so torn right now it is crazy. I don't know if I want to homeschool or not, sub or not, be a secretary or not. Too many decisions right now. Today was a fairly productive day, though not near as much as it could have been. I began really tearing up the basement and discovered lots of mold. That is scary for me. All kinds of thoughts and fears creep in when I think of it for too long.... from silly, stupid fears that are worthless to consider or fear about (like spiders and bugs) to major health issues from black mold. The mind really can take control sometimes. I haven't heard from Sam in so long that we decided he has written us off. He is enjoying SKyview so much that he rarely calls or talks.... or come home. Erin and Jacob A. are trying to start things over again. I am happy about that. I think they are good for each other.... but ultimately, it doesn't matter what I think. It only matters what God's plan is for both of them. Tomorrow opens up the common app for colleges. I can't convince Jacob that he needs to begin applying. I wish that I could, but he and I don't see eye to eye often. Emily is feeling better today. I am glad for that. I think Caleb is doing well, though I don't talk to him that often. I need to change that. Life is good. I can hardly believe that Mark and I are about to celebrate 23 years of marriage! Crazy! I am truly blessed.

Trying to post a few pictures from earlier this year. When Erin came home from Africa, she brought gifts for everyone. It was such a precious thought. Everyone loved their gift. She put so much thought behind each one. It was fun to watch everyone opening them up. She has an amazing experience in Africa. SHe came back a much more confident and selfless person. Today we spent the day running around. I really don't enjoy those kind of days. Emily called and share with me that she has the stomach flu... or at least she thinks so. I feel badly for her. She walked half way to work before her boss called her to tell her she didn't have to come in. She is still feeling miserable and it is 9:00pm their time. Caleb is taking good care of her though. Elizabeth saw the hearing doctor today. Her ears look great. It is the first visit in awhile in which they didn't have to do anything. We made a trip to Galion to pick up a collar for Shu for our invisible fence, only to get it home and discover that the old collar works just fine. :( Jacob had his first official soccer practice, though they have been practicing pretty much all summer. He was disappointed because he has worked his tail off during the off season and wasn't able to get the varsity time for the mile. That destroyed him.

Just a few more wedding pictures to highlight. Today I received a phone call from the new principal at Elizabeth and Ri's school. I had applied for the secretary position. He set up an interview for Thursday. Honestly, I am a bit terrified. It isn't that I am terrified of interviewing or even working, but I am terrified as to whether this is what we should be considering or not. At least with subbing, I have the option to not work when I need to be home. Fulltime is just that.... fulltime. And I am not the type that gives it my "half". I am terrified what things will be like if I actually work full time. I know many women do it and do it well... but I am not one that does anything all that well. If I did, we would probably be homeschooling the kids.

I make no promises, but my desire is to update. Life has calmed down and I don't feel in turmoil anymore. What use to be my therapeutic way of dealing with life, became something I couldn't possibly do anymore. I used to blog to share my heart, but my heart was dealing with so much that I couldn't possibly share... so blogging our life was an impossible task for me. I want to update because I want to keep a record of our life; mainly for my kids to look back on. So, I will attempt... again. I won't go through the past, though I wish I could. But I will share with you that Emily is very, very happily married. The wedding was amazing; perfect in every way. She was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. She was glowing and full of joy despite waking me up at 4:30 announcing that she thought she had the stomach flu. She was miserable, yet no one would have ever known. She was truly the happiest bride that I have ever watched. Jacob is in the midst of searching for colleges. He has done outstanding on his ACT and SAT tests and has many doors possible. Sam and Erin are both at SKyview this summer. Sam is a counselor and Erin is a program director. Sam gets a chance to be a PD this week. He is very excited. Elizabeth and Ri are growing like crazy. We are in the middle of trying to figure out whether to homeschool them or send them to school. Today I begin serious training for a 5K mudder. I need to be accountable to someone. So.. I think I will tryto post here how I am doing. Today, I have not yet had coffee. I am ready to attempt some insanity.

Well, Mark has reminded me how pitiful my blogging has become. I honestly have very little desire to sit down and blog. I want to record things, but I just don't want to sit down and write. Pitiful. My last post was over a month ago and much has happened. A brief synopsis: Erin is in Africa and experiencing many, many things. There is too much to share. She has a blog, but doesn't do a very good job posting on it. It has some info, so if you want to see it then you can visit www.erininafrica2013.blogspot.com Emily is busy with wedding plans. She and Caleb made their first real purchase together. They bought a car. It's a 2003 Toyota Corolla. They are very happy with it and we are thrilled that she is no longer driving her little LeBaron. After Jakes accident, Emily was somewhat fearful of being in an accident with that car. All along I felt she could get killed so easily because there is nothing there to protect her. Seeing Jakes car really brought that home. So... Jake... yep.. Jacob was in a very serious accident. He was driving to school and the road conditions were not great. In fact, the schools should have at least put the kids on a 2 hour delay (or so I am told). Mark and I were on a mini vacation and Emily was taking care of things. Jacob thought the roads were fine, but on a curve, he hit some ice/snow and was out of control. Unfortunately, he was traveling 55 mph. He went left of center. Before he could get it under control, he hit an oncoming car. He nailed them in the drivers side door. After realizing he was ok, Jacob called us (no answer because my phone was on silent) then he called Em. He was pretty shook up and could only tell Em that he had been in an accident and was near a barn. Em had just has surgery on her knee 6 days earlier and hadn't driven yet. She got the two little ones out the door and went hunting for him. When she got there, the squad was there. They had to use the jaws of life to get the other guy out of his car. Jake checked on him immediately. He was very nice to Jacob. He assured him he was ok and that he wasn't mad. He did have to be taken to the hospital to be checked out. We have been told he had no major injuries and was released that day. That was truly a gift from God. The police told Jacob had he been hit 2 inches closer, we would be telling a different story. As a result, we now have a new car as well. Our is also a 2003 Toyota Corolla. We bought both of the cars on the same day. Sam is doing very well. He spend Spring Break in Florida. He is finishing strong his first year of college. I can't believe a year has gone by. Emily graduates this summer, Erin graduates next spring (though she is trying hard to graduate in December. Sam has one year down and only 3 left. Jacob begins college in a year. It is crazy. Ri and Elizabeth are both doing well. I need to go for now. I hope to come back later....but I am not going to hold my breath. :)

I am trying to write a little more frequently. Life is busy. That is my constant. I keep thinking it is going to calm down, but I am wrong. As we speak, I am in over my head in a few different areas. First, we are finally going to replace the upstairs carpet. It is something I have been wanting to do for years. Everytime we think about it, I just can't justify spending the money. With three in college, we just couldn't consider it. But our carpet is getting so grose that I can hardly handle it. Call me a wimp.... especially after reading the conditions of the people Erin is around right now. We can wait. I know we can. In fact, I am almost certain that we should... but my amazing husband is insistent that we do it now. So, we have begun the process. We haven't ordered it yet, that is an overwhelming task. We finally chose the carpet, had them come measure it, but as soon as they gave us the estimate I turned and ran. I just couldn't stomach it. The unfortunate part is that we had tore our bedroom completely up. We literally stripped the ceiling of that tacky decorative mudding. That was a JOB!! Oh what a mess that made. It took Mark 3 days to complete it so that it was ready to paint. In the meantime, our whole house got destroyed. Once it was done, we had to paint. So I took over that job and painted the ceiling and all the walls. We didn't worry about the carpet because we knew we would be replacing it. Now that I am trying to run from the price, I am faced with the fact that we HAVE to replace our carpet no matter what. In addition to that, we now need to replace the bedspread and curtains... all things that I never thought out before doing this. And because of painting our room, I am now needing to paint stairs and hallways and our bathroom. That is the major project going on. But add to this craziness, Emily's wedding is in 2 1/2 months. In addition to that, I am the VBS director for a VBS that anticipates 140 kids in attendance! That VBS is only 3 weeks after Emily's wedding. It is a MAJOR undertaking. So... I can safely say... I am a bit overwhelmed. But, it is not the first time in my life that my life is so crazy that I feel a bit suffocated. Switching topics, we have heard from Erin. It is amazing what God is doing in her life. It is a bit harder on me only because I can't hear from her very often. We heard from her Monday and then didn't hear again until yesterday. She doesn't have internet access very easily. she is doing great and really growing. Sam just got back to campus after a road trip to Florida with CBF (Campus Bible Fellowship) He had an amazing week. We missed out on seeing him, but his experience was far greater. Jacob just had his wisdom teeth removed on Wednesday. He took his SAT test today. Emily is in NYC and having a great time. She made one last road trip with her "girl" friends. I am so glad she had the opportunity to go. She got to visit BBC. I think she was very happy to make a visit there.

It has been nearly a month since my last post. I guess I have fallen... once again.. into the black hole of life and rarely able to climb out of it. As I think of February, my mind goes in many directions. Erin is living in Africa. We get to talk to her just about everyday; either by skype or through facebook. She is doing well and has many, many stories. It is fun to read her blog and see Africa through her eyes. She is growing like crazy. She and Mark are reading through the bible in 90 days. It is so cool to watch her grow spiritually. Yesterday, she traveled 14 hours from Kigali, Africa to Uganda. She will be there for a week before she begins her practicum. Tomorrow she will be white water rafting down the Nile river. Of all the things she is doing, that one makes me the most nervous. She is very excited about it though... so I will sit back and rest in God's hands... holding my breath until I hear from her (which might get hard since I probably won't hear from her until Tuesday). We haven't heard whether she has made it safely to Uganda or not. I imagine that if she hadn't, then someone would have been calling us. Sometimes it gets very hard to lay things at the foot of Jesus and just simply trust. It is easy to say until everything is taken out of your control and you find yourself face to face with the knowledge that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to protect your child or help them. If she needed me, it would be several days before I could actually reach her. I often find myself thinking of adopting Ri and Elizabeth. I remember that same helpless feeling.. knowing that the ONLY thing I could do was to pray. And so... I pray for Erin. Feel free to join me in my prayers. :) The wedding plans are coming along. I am so thankful for a daughter who is simple and sweet and who does not put on heirs. She is easy going and very frugal. They are getting married at Skyview, having an outdoor... simple dessert reception. She has ordered her dress .. ONLINE rather then spending $550 on a dress at David's Bridal. She chosen colors (purple, grey and white). She has ordered invitations (she and Caleb designed and ordered without my help) and spent only $55.00 for 150 invitations, 200 personalized thank you cards, and 400 return labels. Caleb has acquired an internship position with a church and has been hired as the worship leader and Emily has interviewed already for a Nanny position that would begin July 1st (2 weeks after she and Caleb move to Chicago). She will have an other interview when she visits Chicago next. The husband was very impressed with her and wants his wife to interview her as well. They have applied for married housing and have found that they are #34 on the waiting list. They are praying that they actually get into the housing units. The amazing family that she babysits for right now has given her and Caleb a car! Yep... it is a 1996 Toyota. Right now, Emily has a 1995 GE LeBaron. The Toyota is a much better car. She and Caleb both need to learn to drive a stick shift first, though! :) She is in the process of trying to make her flowers. I am so proud of her. I wish she would spend the money and buy flowers... but she absolutely refuses to spend that much money on flowers! She cracks me up. Sam is soaring in his walk with the Lord. He has really connected with a group of kids on campus and is very, very active in CBF (Campus Bible Fellowship). Right now he is on his way to Florida with 23 others from the group to serve at a camp. It is a combination of Spring Break and missions. He was very excited. He made the Deans List last sememster! We are so proud of him! This semester has not been so easy. He is struggling in one class pretty badly. The professer is very hard to understand and is throwing things at the kids on exams that she never taught. To give you an idea... the average exam score was 45 out of 100!!! I do not understand how colleges can consider having a professor on staff with whom over half the class is literally failing... if not a larger percentage then 1/2. That just is not right! It isn't fair to the students to have professors who can't teach. It is one thing for a few kids to fail... but for nearly an entire class to fail... that says something. So, you can pray that he raises his grade. There are many things that a poor grade can effect. I nkow it is just one class.. .but that grade could possibly effect scholarships. If they get effected, then schooling is drastically effected. Besides this one silly class... he is doing really well. Jacob is growing into a wonderful young man. It is fun to watch the changes in him. It has been a rough road, just as it was with one of our other kids. Each one is different and each one adds a different dynamic to our life. In the midst of puberty and struggling to obtain their own identity, kids sometimes choose a different path then we, as parents, desire. JAcob has met me on the battlefield many times in the past few years. We both have wounds from the battles. But, I feel like those days are gone and we are ... once again... becoming allies. It has been so painful because Jacob has always had a very, very special part of my heart. I can not explain why. But there had always been a bond between us that was different then all the other kids. It was a deep, searing bond... one that I thought was never breakable. At times, I even felt suffocated by that bond, for fear of what would happen to Jacob's world if something ever happened to me. Similar to Elizabeth right now. But a few years ago, that bond was severed. It was severed so drastically that I felt my world caving in on me. I felt like I had lost a part of my heart forever. I didn't know what to do or how to deal with it. It put a fear in me that is indescribable. Honestly, the pain was so deep that there are not words adequate. The fear of losing your child forever; especially because of things that you had done, is devastating. But prayer changes things. I finally feel like my son is coming back to me. This time, not out of dependance on me. His world will not crash if I die. He will survive. He is stronger now. Our relationship isn't what it use to be; that is very hard to accept. He doesn't look to me as his hero anymore. I am not quite sure I am up to the "someone he respects" line yet. .... but I think he feels love for me once again; at least I have hope in that. I see God working. That is all I can ask for. I am confident that God ahs a plan for Jacob; one that is mighty. I am also confident that JAcob does not have those same visions. But if God does, He will open Jacob's eyes to it. I am anxious to see where God plans on sending Jacob to school. I am also very nervous about it as well.

Much has been going on in our home these days. Both Jacob and Emily celebrated birthdays. Emily turned 22 on February 14 adn Jacob turned 17 on February 15.

So... a new page is turning in the Miller Adventure book; a milestone you might say. Last night, the man we have prayed for since the day Emily was born, asked her to marry him. I can't describe the emotions that go along with that precious moment. To sum it up, I am praising God for answered prayers. We have not heard the details of their plans, I am not sure they know they yet, but we know that our little girl is walking on cloud nine. She loves this man with everything in her. He loves the Lord with all of his heart and absolutely adores our daughter. There are 2 things I have prayed for my future son-in-law.... that he be a man who LOVES the Lord with all his heart (not just with his lips but with his whole heart) and that he treats my daughter as a princess. Caleb does both. He is studying at Moody BIble Institute and longs to be a senior pastor of a church. He treats Emily... truly... as a princess. There are many other things I have prayed for Caleb about as he grew up... it is an aweing moment to realize that God has answered them far better then I could have asked. We are humbled to be reminded of God's grace in our children's life. And though the pages are turning on Emily's life in our family, the adventure is just beginning. She has a new life to begin and to fill with wonders in the Lord.

Emily and a friend went and had a manicure done. Emily thought it was just for fun. The friend knew that in just a few hours, Caleb was about to propose to her.

THE MOMENT HE ASKED HER TO BE HIS WIFE!

The completely joy that enveloped Emily.

Since my last post, much has happened around here. The biggest news is that Erin has left AND arrived in Rwanda. I put up a clock so that we could always know what the time is in Africa. I will probably post a weather button as well. I like knowing all that I can about my girl. She made it safely. She is excited about it. She created her own blog so that she can post things and keep us a little updated. It is: erininafrica.blogspot.com if you would like to check it out. I am not sure how often she will be able to post things. When she arrived, they were out of electricity. So for 24 hours or so, we hadn't heard whether she arrived safely or not. That was a test of faith. But on Monday, on our way to the Great Wolf Lodge, Jacob A. sent me a text telling me that we had heard from her. She had posted on facebook that she had arrived and that didn't have electricity. The group had gone to a restauarant that had wifi adn electricity to be able to post something. The cool thing was that Jacob told us she wanted to skype us and wish Elizabeth a happy birthday. So while driving down the road, we were able to skype our daughter in Africa. Crazy!!! I can't tell you much about her trip only because I could hear her and I didn't know that she was typing things to us. I only know what she has posted. The next big thing is that Elizabeth has now turned 8 too. We celebrated both her and Ri's birthday at the Great Wolf Lodge. It is somewhere that I have longed to take our kids. Mark is not a big fan of those kind of places, so he has always shot the idea down. He finally smiled at me this last time I asked and said... go for it. Then he added that he was hoping it would scratch my itch and he would no longer hear about it. :( After watching the kids faces yesterday, it makes me sad that we may never do it again. They loved every second of it. Unfortunately, Jacob could not go with us because he did not want to miss school. It ends up he missed it anyway because he was so sick (flu). Mark felt miserable most of the time, probably with some virus. Emily came with us and was such a delight... but her knees hurt so badly that she was in pain most of the time. Both Mark and Em suffered through the waterpark... and with smiles most of the time. Elizabeth was finally able to do all of the watertubes! (except for 1, she was 1/2 inch short). The lodge had a MagiQuest for the kids to participate in. It is a type of "hunt" where they get a magic wand and have at least 8 or 9 "quests" to conquer. They have clues for each quest and have to use their wand to "find" the things they are told to go find. Once they find all the items from the quest, they have to go back to a wizard and get their next quest. We spent 2 hours Monday evening running all over the hotel. The kids had a blast. Mark and Em hurt to badly to be a part of it. But the kids and I had so much fun. Yesterday, we spent another 2 hours trying to finish our quest, but the something made our wand stop working, the quest shop was shut down for the moment, and Mark was pretty weary... so we stopped the quest and left. Here are some pictures from our adventures at the Great Wolf Lodge:

I am struggling with figuring out how to make God real for my kids. Yesterday, I ran into the college kids sunday school teacher. He shared with me an activity that he had the kids all do. He had them take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. Then they were to write something about their faith before getting saved on one side and write about their faith now on the other side. They posted them all on a bulletin board in their room. Pastor Matt and I decided to go see them all. It was so cool to read them. There were many different things that were written. Some of them grabbed at my heart. It was such a joy reading how God had changed them. One had written on the "before side"...... something like... "walking in my parents faith". I am pretty confident that that child was mine. If it wasn't, I am sure it could have been. I struggle with that thought. I know it is real. We have had them in church since the day they were born or brought into our family. God has been a part of our conversations and our thoughts.... but has he been real? My kids faith when they were young was very real. Jacob seemed to have more faith then I have ever dreamed of having. He taught me many, many lessons about God and about my faith. Was it real for him? I know that all of my kids at one point or another have really struggled with making their faith their own. Emily, Erin, and Sam have all come through on the other side of it. They have made their faith THEIR faith and not ours. It wasn't easy and it didn't happen over night. All 3 battled inward battles and questions about whether God is really real and whether the Bible is the absolute truth. When they were young, we were faithful at teaching them about God all of the time. We had family devos and we purposely sought opportunities to teach them about Jesus Christ and the love of God. We parented with a purpose of teaching them the ways of God. But as chaos increased, that still small voice that was often heard could no longer be heard easily. Life overtook us..... our schedules got crazy, we went through 2 adoptions and we had several teenagers. God got pushed to the side..... well... not really God, but Him being a priority. I remember not allowing Erin or Emily to play on an all-star softball team because they played on Sundays. I remember missing coaching and the girls playing on a Wednesday night because it interfered with church. I remember Erin missing the first game on a Sunday tournament for soccer because we put God ahead of it all. Now, we don't think anything of missing a Wednesday night service. We don't attend any Sunday night services. It was a slow thing. At first, it was only a few and only when it was a "good excuse" to miss. Then as Wednesday night adult services became so few attended and they stopped offering Wednesday nights for the kdis in the summer, it was easier to miss. Then they removed Sunday evening services to attempt to encourage small groups.... only to backfire and cause our family to stop Sunday nights all together. And our attempts at family devos are fleeting and far between. We try, only to fail because of the chaos of our schedule. So where does that leave our family? In my opinion... in a world of hurt. One of my kids is struggling so deeply with doubts of God's existence and the bibles truth.... so deeply, yet crying out so desparately to hear God's voice...only to have the pleas fall on "deaf ears" in their words. And the little ones? Oh.. I feel so desparate with them. Ri is so tender hearted and open to the things of God but Elizabeth seems hard and distant from it all. They both have "accepted Christ" as their savior. But I am not so sure that Elizabeth is truly receptive to it all. I think there has been something so deep in her that has been hurt that she really has no clue and it is that hurt that holds her back. So.... I am desparately crying out to God for a revival in my home. For the one who is hurting and struggling with questions to finally find the answers. I am begging God to show Himself to my child and to soften their heart to be able to fall at His knees in complete submission of their life.

We began our first Upward game of the seaso yesterday. It amazed me how much Ri and Elizabeth have grown since last year's season. Last year, Elizabeth loved the game, but was shy and timid when playing. Everyone was routing for her to make one basket during the season. With every shot, the entire crowd were root for her to make it. It was probably because was just so stinking cute on running around on the court. This year, she is still the littlest on the court with the sweetest and shyest little smile. She plays with determination and excitement, focused on guarding her man and making sure she passes the ball if she needs to. But the difference yesterday was that she made 3 baskets and she seemed to be confident in her dribbling! It was so much fun to watch. Ri was just as good. He played his little heart out. He made 3 baskets as well. They were as excited as could be when the games were all over. This year, Mark and Emily are coaching Elizabeth. I was all excited for Jacob and I to coach Ri, but jsut as it was time to turn in the applications, I found out that Jacob had planned on coaching with one of his buddies. I was crushed. But... I stepped out and let him do it. So, I am really not a part it this year. That is pretty hard on me. I have always coached as long as I have been able to coach. I had to stop for awhile because of Ri and Elizabeth. Then, last year, Mark and Jacob coached Elizabeth and Sam and a buddy coached Ri. All last year, I kept reminding myself that this year I would get to coach since Sam was heading off to college. I never dreamed that Jacob would not want me to coach with him. I should have seen it coming, but it blindsided me. I guess it is another time in which God had chose to humble me. I am really getting worn out with his humbling me. I wish I could just learn whatever it is he wants me to learn so that I could quit having to face it. Faith and Eli got home safely. Today, Sam headed back to college and Emily headed to spend a few days with her boyfriend and his family. It is quiet around here. Watching Sam leave makes me very sad. I feel like we didn't really have any time with him. With the cousins here, I never really got to have time alone with him. He faced a few difficult situations, and those seemed to shut him down. So seeing him leave has left me kind of feeling empty. I ache for him. I want their breaks to be good and enjoyable and relaxing. I don't feel like his was any of that. He loves his cousings very, very much. But it is a time in his life when he really just wants to move forward and find someone to share it with. It seems that God just keeps allowing Sam to struggle with that area of his life. It breaks my heart. Erin leaves for Africa in 11 days. I'm not so comfortable with that part of my life as well. She just had immunization shots for yellow fever and polio and is currently taking live typhoid pills right now. It is quiet nerve wracking knowing all that is going into her system and all that she might encounter. She has to begin malaria pills as well. She wont be home until May 12th. She is planning on starting a blog so that she can share with us "her journey". That gives me a small comfort. I am fine with a few weeks away .... in another country.... but a few months....so far away.. not begin able to get to her if she needs me...... is very, very hard.

Yesterday was Ri's birthday. I can not believe he is 8 years old. I woke him up, kissing his cheek and wishing him a happy birtday. He rolled over, smiled and said "I still feel 7". It was adorable! Emily worked so hard to make it a special day for him. She and Caleb stayed up til 2:30 making cake pops for him to take to school. He loved them. Then she went to the store and bought t-shirts for everyone to make to celebrate his special day. It was s o thoughtful. They also strung lights all over and made a whole new set of cake pops for home. We made homemade pizza for everyone and Ri opened his gifts. He loved the attention. It was very sweet.

I guess I must be on overdrive right now. Too often, in the past week, I have been asked the question "are you ok?" or been told I look tired. I am, I guess. Today, we have 9 kids in our home. Faith and Eli are still here. We are enjoying them! Emily's boyfriend, Caleb has come to visit as well. I don't mind at all, but the constant need to pick up and cook gets exhausting. The noise gets even more exhausting at times. But. .. I am trying to choose to embrace it. I just don't succeed all of the time. We had Awana tonight. The kids love Awana! The older kids went to church and then went bowling. Oh to be young and carefree again. What fun. Emily took Caleb and Eli out on the pond for the first time this season. It seems to be frozen.... or at least frozen enough that it is safe to walk on. It makes me nervous. I find that the older I get, the more aware of danger I become and the more apprehensive I am of things.

Today, we began a new year. Like most years, I have several resolutions. One is to attempt to journal again. We just opened Jacob's 16th birthday book and it reminded me, once again, how priceless my journaling is to our family. So, I am sitting down, with a purpose, to attempt to journal our journey. This morning we began the new year with our "traditional" New Year's celebration. It is unlike anyone elses that I know. But this morning, Mark shared with all of us the reason he and I began our tradition. It was a precious and tender moment for all of us. He shared his heart and for the first time, I think our kids realized some precious truths. He shared how his grandparents came to know the Lord and how deep their convictions were. He shared with us how the bible became their source of truth and how reading the Bible was a daily routine. As they read the Bible, God began to change their hearts in everything. They became the most generous and loving people. It was the Bible that changed them and it was Jesus they fell in love with. As they read the BIble, they realized that all that Christmas is now can not be found in the Bible. It was their conviction to remove the celebration of Christmas from their home. They didn't do it to make some statement, they did it because they didn't see it in the Bible and if it wasnt there, they didn't want to be a part of it. That conviction was passed on to his mom and then passed on to her children. But as he has watched over the years and read, he shared with the kids this verse: Romans 14:5 One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. He told them that as he read this verse, he realized that it is not necessarily his own conviction. But when we first got married, it was something that he believed and desired that we not celebrate Christmas. So, as a compromise to me, we devleoped our own tradition with New Years. Over time, he has realized that there is nothing wrong or evil about celebrating Christmas. He even asked our kids last year or the year before if they wanted to just open gifts on Christmas. Many, if not all, very emphatically said no. You see, Christmas is a time when we remember the birth of Christ through the church services and the traditions of many Christians. We go to my parents and have a "traditional" Christmas with them. We have a big dinner and gifts. Though Christ is not a priority in their life, Christmas has always been the most precious time of the year for my mom. Because of that, Mark has allowed us to share it with them. But we do not have anything at our house. We don't wake up and do gifts or celebrations or anything. It is New Years that we do all the fun stuff. We wake up and have our big "surprise" with gifts everywhere. I didn't want to lose that tradition, so Mark allowed us to celebrate New Years. Now we make it a precious time where we reflect on what God has done in the past year and pray for the present year. After that, the kids all choose a gift and then giveit to another child to hide. They run all over the house and hide a gift. Then when Mark says "go", they go hunt for their gift. This happens for all 4 or 5 gifts we give them. This morning, it took 3 hours for the whole "event". We had our neice and nephew with us.. so it was 8 kids hiding presents. It was fun. We are very blessed. As for health in our home, we are very blessed as well. Right now, we are battling the stomach flu. It seems as it gets passed on, it gets a little more intense. I think it began with Elizabeth on Christmas. Ri may have had it a few days earlier. Neither actually threw up, but Ri felt bad and Elizabeth cried about her belly hurting. She ended up with a 103 temp. Then Jacob felt miserable and wanted to throw up Saturday, but never did. Yesterday, I ate some olives that ended up being 3 years expired. I didn't know that because someone had just given them to us. I don't know if that did me in or if I had the stomach flu as well. Emily and I are the only 2 who had the flu shot. I actually ended up throwing up. I felt pretty crummy the rest of the night, but not like I do when I have the stomach flu. Emily felt very nauscious last night as well, but never got sick. Erin and Mark have been battling the nausea off and on for several days. Today, Faith (my neice) ended up with it and ended up getting sick several times. I feel so badly for her. But despite getting sick, she always comes out with a smile and thanking me for offering to help her. She warms my heart... what trooper. Sam was sicker then I ever remember him being a few months ago. I am hoping it was this flu and he is immune to this episode. That leaves Eli (my nephew). Let's pray he doesn't get sick. They fly home Friday. The highlight of 2012 was to hear that my neice accepted Jesus Christ as her savior in October and was baptized on December 23rd. It doesn't get any better then that. We have prayed for her since she was born. What a precious joy. And to add more joy to the news, she is loving reading her bible. It just thrills my heart!